DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT and WRITTEN. WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950′s for the sake of the kids, but
the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a
divorce…. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of
future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what
is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile
and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a
similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two
sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively
easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets
since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to
the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our
firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly
oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep
Oprah, Michael Moore a nd Rosie O’Donnell. (You are, however responsible for
finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.)
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare
dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal
aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.
We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to
invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and
war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll
help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can
also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take
every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll
keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure
you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,
Kum Ba-Ya or We Are the World.
We’ll practice trickle down economics, and you can continue to give trickle
up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our
flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded
liberal and conservative patriots, and if you do not agree, just hit delete.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you Answer which one of us will
need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara
Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our
country.
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